This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
