just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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