By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
