i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
