Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
