I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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