She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
