imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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