Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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