I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
