Sry I called you an 8
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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