When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
