Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
