My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
