I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
