If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
