he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
