Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
