He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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