You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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