why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize