Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
