He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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