I'm sorry my penis didn't work
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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