I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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