Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
