Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
