Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
