Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
