We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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