she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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