yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
