YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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