I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sobbing to NWA
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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