I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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