what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
