I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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