I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
