im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
