tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
