peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
