Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize