Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
