You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
