Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
