So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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