No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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