I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have post one night stand depression
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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