please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
