I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
