70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
