so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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