just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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