my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
