you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
