guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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