I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
