So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
