You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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