dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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